Cut Crystal
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on
in
Vindaloo.
Cut crystal chalices
Have less perfect form
Hold no stronger wine
Scatter light less perfectly
Attract mens' eyes less frequently
Than these flawless lips
Wrapped round honeyed tones
Spiced with foreign deserts
Laced with thoughts of home
Forming a quiet pool of hope
From which my heart would drink
But which my mind forfends
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Mike C. Fletcher, the VRPlumber, is a philosopher of design turned computer programmer based in Toronto, Canada. He works primarily in the Python programming language, and maintains a large number of Open Source software packages. You can reach him at: mcfletch@vrplumber.com.
Phillip J. Eby on 12/03/2005 2:02 p.m. #
Sweet! It seems like a lot of the lines are reaching for iambic trimeter, though; have you thought of tightening up the odd lines out? E.g.,<br />
<br />
Cut crystal chalices<br />
have much less perfect form<br />
and hold no stronger wine;<br />
Cast light less perfectly<br />
Draw eyes less frequently<br />
Than these, your flawless lips<br />
<br />
As wrapped round honeyed tones<br />
Of spiced foreign desserts<br />
And laced with thoughts of home:<br />
A quiet pool of hope<br />
from which my heart would drink<br />
But which my mind forfends.<br />
Mike Fletcher on 12/03/2005 6:31 p.m. #
Nice rework. One of these days I'll have to go through all the poems and read/tighten them. As it is I never seem to find the time. Maybe monthly poetry recitals (an people noting the obvious flaws here) will get me to make the time.<br />
<br />
Thanks!
Phillip J. Eby on 12/03/2005 8:08 p.m. #
Yeah, I'm not quite sure my version's really an improvement, as it seems to need more variation in the meter, like either some word repetition, rhyme, or an A-B-A pattern or something. So your original actually has more character than my quick hack, especially since I ended up murdering some of your better word choices (e.g. Cast vs. Scatter, Draw vs. Attract men's). But I suppose both might be fixed by mixing in some quadrimeter, e.g.<br />
<br />
Cut crystal chalices<br />
have much less perfect form<br />
and hold no stronger wine;<br />
They scatter light less perfectly<br />
And draw men's eyes less frequently<br />
Than these, your flawless lips<br />
<br />
As wrapped round honeyed tones<br />
Of spiced foreign desserts<br />
And laced with thoughts of home:<br />
They form a quiet pool of hope<br />
from which my heart would drink<br />
But which my mind forfends.<br />
<br />
I was expecting the quadrimeter parts to form more of a pattern, but oh well. Maybe something like "from which my heart would dare to drink" (or "still yearns to drink") would complete the mirroring of form, but I was trying not to insert any new thoughts of my own into your magnificent original.<br />
<br />
Certainly, your original wasn't "flawed" anyway, I just noticed the near-regular meter and wondered if you'd intended a more regular one.
Mike Fletcher on 12/03/2005 10:38 p.m. #
I tend to write poetry as a "jump out of bed thinking of a flow of words" thing, very seldom do I ever think about meter or measure as such, though I do occasionally worry on the flow and flux.
Honey on 12/04/2005 5:59 p.m. #
no rework needed<br />
original is superlative
Mike Fletcher on 12/05/2005 8:37 p.m. #
Aw shucks. Thanks, Honey, though I have to say I feel the awkwardness that Phillip was picking up.